Failure Is Not Always a Bad Options...Depend on How You Do It

I am...for the first time...failing at life.

Well, not life but college. I have never done so poorly ever in my life. I accept full response ability, but it just really baffles me at the amount of hours I put in this what I'm getting. That after hours of studying and reading and youtubing, I still fail. I am not a stupid person (nor am I the greatest thing since slice bread), however I do know where I messed up:

1) Not writing my notes properly. Even though my teacher was rambling and rambling and rambling, he would throw in the bits and pieces I needed in the mix and I wouldn't properly label topics or formulas because I was only writing down what was on the board.

2) I did not take the help that was being offered ever so freely. I was uneasy about the teacher and didn't want to draw attention to myself from the GAs I would see later in the week at class. I didn't want to show them (GAs) in particular how little I knew about the subject. I was being irrational. Allowing my projected fears to dictate the grade I would receive over the directions I knew would be right.

3) I didn't organize my time properly. There is no reason, on the earth that is green, to be pulling all nighters 4 nights a week. Ever. You get to be emotionally drained and you can physically focus on anything. I was at work falling asleep during calls.

4) I procrastinated too much. Rather than try to figure out what I was doing wrong on a problem sooner I would insert youtube breaks or just push off the problem for a few hours. I have major issues with prioritizing things that are not immediately going to happen or be affected.

If you'll notice, this post only points the finger at one person, myself. I have always been an non-assertive person. I don't like having to raise my voice or argue, I just find that to be irritating and emotionally draining. So, if I don't address the issue of my grades and you don't address the issue, we end up in the current situation I am in now. It's starting to hit home just how alone and insignificant you can allow yourself to be if you don't start advocating for yourself. It doesn't make your professor any difference if you pass or not, they still get paid. I just have to decide what I am going to have to do since this has happened. And work on organizing myself better so that I am an advocate for myself.

"I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me." - Maya Angelou

Day 110

I have been living by myself for 110 days now. I am still unsure how I feel about it...my wallet is not so happy with my decision. There are lots of pros and cons about living by yourself and it also depends on the kind of person that you are.

As an individual that values solitude, I can say I do find joy in being able to return home and turn the door handle only to be greeted by silence. No loud music, no excessive talking, no TV...just my furnace running in the back of the house. I also enjoy the fact that I can roam the house dressed as I want, cook as I want, and clean according to my random and sparse desires as I want without any nagging.

Some downsides are as follows:

1) You are solely responsible for paying the bills and any additional services you require

2) You have to make sure to consistently clean and organize before the house gets out of order

3) You have to adjust to things going bump in the night

4) You are solely responsible for all costs that come with space that you are renting (it bares repeating and a lot of budgeting)

As I continue to debate having a roommate, I have established one thing: it has nothing to do with being "lonely". Whether you are by yourself or in a room full of people, you can be lonely. I consider myself one of the lucky people who knows the difference between being alone and being lonely. No, my debate is between sacrificing my freedom or my money. I currently work for minimum wage (or around there) and my bills plus school most certainly outweigh what I bring home every month. So, thus my current dilemma. Logically, I should get a roommate but then I would have to create rules and I like living without rules.

I think I will think about it a bit more over the summer and decide before next semester starts.

"What then is freedom? The power to live as one wishes." - Marcus Tullius Cicero

First Post

I am writing this not necessarily for others to read, but to remind myself to stay in control of what happens in my life. To show myself that self-assertion should not be something to avoid because if I do not stick up for myself no one else will. I need to also focus on spending more energy on pleasing myself than other people. I am the type of person that will bend over backwards and sideways to do things for other people when I would rather spend that time doing something else. And then feel bad for not doing whatever it was even though I did not want to do it in the first place because now someone is disappointed in me. I would also like to use this as way to expand on myself just in general. I have always been an open-minded individual and try to remain that way with everything that I do.

As I go through this year of my life, I know I will be faced with a lot of tough decisions, struggles from last year, and unfamiliar territories. However, I believe that I will guide my life in the appropriate direction it will need to go regardless of any possibility of backlash. I am very capable of doing a lot with very little, all while using my creativity. Until later...

"Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it." - Malcolm X